Feeling lost in a world full of people. Wondering which way to turn, which way to go, and who to count on. I walk through each day with a smile on my face and a laugh in my heart, but then the silence kicks in. I hear those words no one wants to hear, “You’re not good enough, you’re not pretty enough, you will never be loved, you will be alone forever…” It goes on and on. I don’t know why I let those words sting my soul. I look up to the heavens and scream, “WHY?!” I am trying to trust in the Lord, trying to be patient, trying to be happy even when the silence kicks in. But it is hard. Whoever said it isn’t lied! I am almost 24 years old and I am lonely and tired of feeling that way. I keep telling myself that I need to learn to be happy with me and just me. I need to fight the silence and learn to find joy in the silence. It doesn’t help when the rest of my siblings found love at such a young age. But until the day that I find that love I have been searching for, I will take each day one step at a time. All it takes is baby steps… I will try and tell myself it will be okay. I have a love from someone that is much greater than I could have every imagined. I have the love of Jesus Christ. He loves me for who I am, for the way I look, and for who I will become.
Having one of those days…wishing for a different life.
I go through these random phases of feeling completely and utterly alone. I am so ready to move home!!! It is not fun being here when you don’t really have a best friend that truly understands you. Don’t get me wrong, I have some good friends here, but none who truly know me. Ughhh…..trying to think happy thoughts. It is hard to not realize you are alone when it is all over the TV. Every show has couples in love. Whether it be a comedy, thriller, action, or scary movie. COUPLES EVERYWHERE!!!!
Sometimes I just wish that people who have a high metabolism would stop saying how easy it is to lose weight. IT’S NOT EASY!! Walk a day in my shoes and lets have this talk again.
Today was a hard day for me. I try to be strong and keep a smile on my face at all times, but today wasn’t so easy. When people ask me what my biggest fear is, I can always come up with something super easy like, heights, sharks, spiders, snakes, etc… but the most truthful answer is being alone. I am so afraid that I will never find someone to spend the rest of my life with. Even though my father has told me that God has told him that he has someone special for me. Today while watching The Bachelor (I know…) I was reminded of that fear again. As I was getting ready for bed I began to become overwhelmed with sadness and had a feeling that I should read my Daily Wisdom for Women - 2014 Devotional Collection for today and it was amazing! The verse that went along with it was Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?….” It talks about when we are feeling low for whatever reason, we should turn to him because he is the only one who can truly help us climb the mountains in our life.
The daily devotion always ends with a prayer:
Lord, I will stay strong in You and will take courage. I can trust and rest in You. Whatever I am feeling now, whatever emotions I have, I give them to You, for You are my hope and salvation. You are good all the time, of which I can supremely confident. Amen.
What did I do today? I woke up and relaxed for a while. Then I went and met my preceptor!!! I was super nervous!! I wanted to have a Day shift female preceptor but instead I got a night shift male preceptor. So today I was very nervous. I learn the best when I feel comfortable and there is something about a strange man trying to teach me that makes me feel uncomfortable. Anyways, today I met him. He was a little strange, but who isn’t?! I feel much more comfortable now, knowing that he is a very kind and relaxed person. After I met him I went to work for my boss’s going away party. He has truly been one of the best bosses I have ever had. I am truly going to miss him. Now time to move on and get ready for my last and final semester of nursing school!!
I have been back in Casper for 5 days now and I am ready to go back home. My last visit home wasn’t the easiest, but it definitely reminded me I want to go home and how much I love it there. I have missed my family and friends so much. I have really missed my church too. There is no better feeling than being in a church full of people pouring their hearts out to God!!! Since I have been home I have worked every single day. I will have a really nice check - but I am seriously exhausted. Trying to get back into my routine.